is telling me to take advantage of my youth- it doesn’t say how; it just says to seize opportunity and pleasure. opportunity and pleasure. this sounds excessively selfish to me? but it makes me feel free. i always want to just wake up one day and go out - leave everything on some kind of adventure because i could. some God-seeking adventure. I always picture myself riding various forms of transportation and listening in loud places for direction. 
      I tell people i want to die at age 47, and they always think im joking. they laugh and say “thats random”. i suppose the number is. but honestly; the idea of being old scares me so much. it’s almost stupid how much it scares me. it IS stupid. i feel like i’ll lose all my freedom and social life and plans and it will be replaced with responsibility and bills. i will lose that influencial piece that comes with being young. i know god will love me the same - i’m just worried i might not be happy or helping or loving people on the grand scale. but really, why do i have to be so grand? why can’t i just be happy with being small? since, really, i am small. 
      so, it may be taking things out of context, but maybe i’ll just starting taking advantage of opportunity and pleasure during my last year in the teens. here we go -